Can't Save Them All
by Abs7
Summary: When a hostage negotiation goes wrong Tony is unable to forgive himself for what happened that night. The consequences are worse than anyone might have imagined. Dark themes, not for the faint of heart or those looking for a cheery pick me up story.
1. Merry Christmas to Me

AN: This is going to be sad and angsty and probably not for the faint of heart. Read at your own risk. Dark themes and such.

Ch.1

Tony DiNozzo was sitting at home on his very expensive leather couch, drinking an also very expensive glass of whiskey, not really his style but it seemed fitting, for he had not been himself for quite some time now. Or maybe he had. It was becoming hard to tell what was real anymore. The only thing that was constant was pain. Of course, the very expensive whiskey helped to take the edge off of that. If only Gibbs could see him now he'd be headslapped into next week. _And I'd deserve it. For this and all the other things I've fucked up._

If only Gibbs could see him now, staring down the barrel of his gun. But if Gibbs were watching this that would be melodramatic which was not really his style. Not that he knew anymore. He hopped his father would hear the news; he would hear it and blame himself with any luck. One last fuck you to the man who had made his life a living hell. Now that, that was definitely his style.

He should be scared, nervous at least, but he wasn't. Very Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo doesn't get scared. _I've jumped out of airplanes, dead-dropped onto aircraft carriers, and I've killed people. I've gotten the plague, kissed a transvestite and been tortured by the best the Middle East has to offer. No I don't get scared. _Not scared, but perhaps hopeful. Maybe he wanted someone to burst through the door, see the gun in his hand and beg him to stop. But that wouldn't happen. Only in the movies he loved so dearly. There would be nobody to stop him.

To think it all started with a case. One god-damned case had torn his life apart. If only it hadn't been him to get the first call at three A.M that night. It could have been any other team, hell they didn't even half to call NCIS. Maybe if they would've called someone else he wouldn't be considering eating a bullet. Maybe two lives could have been saved. But they called him. Life really was a bitch sometimes. Looking back, there was so much that could've gone differently. So much he could've done better. But it was too late now, and hindsight was always 20/20.

-One week prior-

It was nearly three in the morning and Tony was woken out of a fitful sleep by the sharp ringing of his cell phone which was charging next to his bed. This wakeup call beat waking up from a nightmare screaming by just a few seconds and for that Tony was thankful. A phone call was easy to explain to whatever girl he picked up at the bar, screams not so much. Not that it mattered tonight, since he was sleeping alone. That was becoming the norm for him, although he'd never admit it.

"Very Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo" he answers groggily. The response from the other end of the line woke him up immediately. "I'll be there as soon as I can."_ As soon as I can and I still might not be fast enough. _

Not having time to be picky about his choice in outfit he pulls on a pair of jeans, a plain white t-shirt and his NCIS windbreaker, forgetting just how cold it was in D.C. during December. He calls Gibbs as he runs out to his car, shivering the second he steps out into the cold. Gibbs answers on the third ring and was predictably angry for being woken up at 3 AM.

"What the hell do you want DiNozzo?" Gibbs snaps, and Tony was sure that he was glaring at the phone.

"Navy Petty Officer snapped. He's got his kid and wife at gunpoint. They want us to talk him down or take him out. I'm on my way to the scene, local LEOs have handled it so far." Tony says then gives him the address and a few other necessary details before he hangs up.

He didn't usually get nervous about his job, he was Very Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo and he didn't get scared. But there was a kid involved. Being held at gun point by his own father. Hopefully Gibbs would get here fast because he wasn't sure if he could keep it together. He gets out of his car and goes to the first cop he sees, and is then pointed to the man in charge.

He introduces himself quickly, just a flash of his badge, and no more pleasantries are exchanged. It's pretty damn obvious he wants to get down to business. The man in charge, a short little man with a military haircut who strongly resembled a bulldog, gives him all the details they have on the case.

"The guy thinks his wife cheated on him, went totally nuts. Got a gun swinging back and forth between the wife, the kid, and his own head." The cop relays all the informational quickly and surprisingly calmly. If Tony had to guess he'd bet that this wasn't the first time the guy had been in a situation like this.

"Where's he got them?" Tony asks, noticing that the house was already swarming with police officers.

"In the kid's clubhouse in the back yard. He says if anyone comes farther than the back porch he'll take out the wife."

"Names?"

"Gunman is Petty Officer Gregory Harris. Wife's name is Julie, the kid is Daniel."

Tony nods and walks through the house onto the back porch with the cop trailing behind him by a couple feet, the man unable to keep up with Tony's long strides.

"I'm going to talk him down, it's what you wanted NCIS to do isn't it?"

The cop doesn't really have an answer for that, not that Tony would've let any local LEO's tell him what to do after they called him at three AM anyways. He takes a step closer to the steps that lead to the backyard, where the child's clubhouse resides.

"No closer or I'll kill her!" Harris calls out, his voice carrying remarkably well.

"Just take it easy, I'm staying right here." Tony says, speaking loud enough to be heard but in a calm and even tone. The last thing he wanted to do was piss this guy off.

"What do you want then?" Harris asks.

"Just want to talk, sure would be easier if I didn't have to yell across your yard." He says cautiously, wanting to get closer but not wanting to provoke him. He hadn't handled one of these situations since he was a cop in Philly but it was coming back to him as the situation demanded it.

"You're not coming any closer unless you want a close up of this bitch's brain!"

"Petty officer, I'm unarmed and I just want to talk." Tony says rationally. If he could just get in there he could make sure the wife and kid were ok. It would be a small step towards talking him down but anything was progress at this point. He couldn't just let the guy kill his family, especially since a kid was involved. He wouldn't be able to forgive himself if he didn't get the kid out alive.

"You know what, if you can get all the police out of my house, you can come in here."

Well, Tony didn't very much like that compromise but he was going to have to work with it, He calls over the guy in charge once more and explains Harris' demands. Unsurprisingly the cop hated the idea almost as much as Tony did. It was stupid, uncalculated risk that might end up getting a federal agent killed and making no progress at getting the family out alive. For some reason Tony would never be able to understand, the plan was approved. Tony hands over his weapon to one of the cops, telling him with a dead serious face to take good care of it. The cops tape a tiny microphone to his chest under his shirt so that they could hear what he was saying and then the house was emptied, all the cops taking residence on the front lawn.

Tony walks back out onto the back porch his hands shaking slightly from the cold and nerves so he shoves them into his pockets to hide it.

"Harris, all the cops are out, can I come over now?" Tony calls out.

"Jacket off, hands up, spin around slowly; I want to see that you're unarmed."

Tony nods slowly and complies, dropping his jacket onto the railing of the porch, putting his hands in the air and turning in one slow circle. "No weapons. Are we good?"

"Yeah. You can come over, real slow, no sudden movements."

Tony moves to pick up his jacket but is quickly stopped by Harris yelling from inside the clubhouse. "Leave that there."

He swears under his breath, knowing that he would freeze wearing only a thin t-shirt but leaves the jacket anyways. Moving slowly he walks down the porch steps, keeping his hands slightly raised, and walks across the snowy yard to the clubhouse. The damn thing looked like Harris had built it himself; it certainly wasn't anything you bought from a store, it looked about big enough for Tony to stand up in although anyone bigger would probably have to crouch. He was sure that once inside it would be crowded and cramped.

The door swings open from the inside, and Tony takes a step inside. The child had opened the door, and Harris was crouched in the corner using his wife as a human shield. _Damn coward. _The space inside was larger than he expected, it was about the size of his bathroom at home and if he stood near the door there was at least eight feet between he and Harris.

"Daniel, move away from the door" Harris growls harshly, and Tony can see the boy flinch at his tone.

"Take it easy Petty Officer; you're scaring your kid." Tony says calmly.

"How do I know he's even mine?! This slut has been screwing every guy on the block!" Harris says, jamming the gun into his wife's neck.

The wife stiffens and lets out a shrill cry, only to be silenced by a hard slap to the face. It was all Tony could do to not try and strangle the Petty Officer with his bare hands.

Outside the House (Gibbs)

Special Agent Leroy Jethro Gibbs pulls up to the house driving even faster than he usually did. It took him longer than he expected to get to the scene but he already knew Tony had beaten him there. He saw Tony's car parked in front of the house along with those of about thirty police officers but there were no other signs of Tony.

He makes his way over to a cop who seemed to be dishing out orders and hears the sound of Tony's voice; he looks around for his Senior Field Agent then realizes it's coming from the cop's radio.

"What the hell is going on here?" Gibbs snaps angrily, the whole ordeal pissed him off to begin with but now he had no idea what was going on with the family or his agent. When the only thing his question gets is raised eyebrows and angry scowls he flashes his badge and ID. "Special Agent Gibbs, NCIS. Where the hell is my agent?"

The same cop Gibbs had originally been walking towards speaks up. "He's in the back yard trying to talk down the Petty Officer."

Gibbs gives him one of his signature glares and nearly shouts "And who the hell are you?"  
"Sgt. James Mason. We were the first on scene, guy was with the Navy so we called NCIS."

"How long has DiNozzo been in there?" Gibbs questions angrily.

"Almost an hour, he's been trying to talk him down, he's managed to get the kid away from Harris but from what we can tell he's got the gun leveled at his wife."

"Why hasn't he taken a shot yet?" Gibbs asks, wondering why the hell Tony would should the guy at the first chance he got.

"He went in unarmed. Only way Harris would let him in."

"Why the hell would anyone let him do that?" Gibbs growls, thinking that now would be a good time to strangle the cop for letting Tony pull a boneheaded move like that.

"He was the only one in a position to do anything, there was no use trying to stop him anyways. He was dead set on getting in there with Harris."

Gibbs sighs knowing how careless Tony was when his own safety was involved, he also knew that when Tony set his mind on something there was little chance at talking him out of it. Unless of course, headslaps were used but he really couldn't expect the cop to know that, no matter how helpful it might've been.

Inside the club house- 2 hours later- Tony

"Is this really worth it Greg? Do you really want to hurt your kid" Tony asks, glancing over at the small boy who was shivering uncontrollably in the corner of the club house. If the poor kid lived through this he'd probably never step foot in this clubhouse again, and honestly Tony couldn't blame him.

"How many times do I have to say it? He's not even my fucking kid!" Harris yells, causing Daniel to flinch and try and push himself farther away from his father.

"You raised him, Petty Officer, since the day he was born you did everything a father should do for a kid and you're saying he's not yours. What does it matter if he's yours biologically? You were the one with him on Christmases and birthdays, the one who taught him to ride a bike, the one who took him to his first day of school. You still love him don't you? Even if he wasn't yours?" Tony says, on the verge of pleading with the man but still managing to keep a calm demeanor that hadn't broke since he stepped foot inside the club house.

For the first time that night, Tony started to see reason in Harris' eyes, started to see him thinking rationally. Taking this opportunity Tony keeps going. "Let Daniel go inside Harris, the kid's freezing and scared. I'll stay and we can keep talking but just let the kid go. You really don't want to hurt the boy."

"No, I don't but this bitch has to pay for what she did!" Harris says and raises his gun, aiming it at the small boy cowering in the corner.

Tony takes a step in front of the boy, blocking any shot Harris might have had. "Really think about this Greg. You don't want to do this. You hurt this kid and what do you have left?"

"I was starting to like you Tony, but dammit I'll kill you if I have to." Harris says his voice wavering, sounding slightly unsure of himself.

It was slightly unsettling to be on a first name basis with a crazy Petty Officer who was planning to kill his family but Tony didn't let that feeling show in the slightest. Over the past three hours Tony had managed to maintain a perfectly calm and rational appearance while on the inside he wanted to kill the Petty Officer himself. Harris had aimed his gun at Tony quite a few times during the last couple of hours but it was actually sort of a relief to have the gun pointed at anyone but the child. He just wanted to get the child out alive. But now at nearly six in the morning after three hours of standing in the freezing cold wearing just a t-shirt Tony's perfect façade was starting to crack ever so slightly, the only thing holding it together was sheer willpower, and the desire to keep the kid alive.

"Come on Greg, just let the kid go inside." Tony says, his voice cracking ever so slightly on the last word,

Harris sighs heavily and says "Fine the kid goes, but you and the bitch are staying in here."

"Fair enough, I'll stay as long as you need me to." Tony says to Harris then bends down to talk to Daniel.

"It's alright kid, you're going back inside. Everything will be alright, just go back inside the house." Tony says softly, not wanting to further traumatize the kid.

Daniel nods, and runs out of the club house, stumbling through the rapidly piling snow towards the house. Tony breathes out a small sigh of relief as the kid walks away. "That was a good thing you did there Petty Officer. I knew you didn't really want to hurt your kid." He says, feeling just a bit lighter now that the kid was far away from Harris.

Harris nods slowly and looks out the small window of the club house, to see his son nearly to the back porch when a cop emerges from the house and starts towards the boy. In a matter of seconds the Petty Officers features go from perfect calm to rage. "I said no cops in the house!" he roars and raises his gun, pointing at a target that Tony can't see out in the yard but he can only guess it is either the cop or the child.

Tony knows instantly that there is no talking him out of this shot and he also knows that he will be an instant to late when he throws himself at the Petty Officer. There sound of the gunshot echoes through the small space, and even as Tony tackles the Petty Officer to the ground he knows that the shot hit his mark. Call it a gut feeling, but he knew he was too late. Trying to push that thought out of his head he tries to wrestle the gun from the Petty Officers hand with little success. Harris shoves Tony off of him and hits him in the head with the butt of his gun, not quite hard enough to knock him out but hard enough to drop him to the ground. At that moment Tony expected to die, he thought the Petty Officer was going to put one right between his eyes. But he didn't, and that's something Tony would later come to regret.

"I had just started to like you Tony." Harris says, before leveling the gun against his own head. With a final pull of the trigger Harris slumps to the ground dead. His wife who had been shocked until this point starts sobbing in the corner of the club house and it is made even worse when she looks outside and sees the body of her son, lying in the snow with a pool of red around him.

Tony had told the kid everything would be alright. He was wrong. But that hadn't sunk it yet, the only thing he could feel was the dull numbness of shock and cold and for that he was grateful. He was aware of the blood dripping from his head, yet he made no move to stop it, he just sat in the small club house with his back against the wall, the look in his eyes as dead as Petty Officer Harris.

The head wound would not be fatal. But this was the day that Tony DiNozzo died.

(Gibbs)

At the sound of two gunshots all the police start running to the back yard, weapons drawn, Gibbs among them. The first thing he saw was the dead boy laying in the snow, he knew there was no hope for the child, the bullet had went right through the back of his head. The second thing he saw was that Tony was still nowhere to be found. Following the other cops into the tiny club house he sees Harris slumped dead on the floor, his wife sobbing in the corner, and Tony leaned up against the wall with a blank stare.

Gibbs kneels down in front of his agent, slapping his cheek lightly when he doesn't respond in the slightest. He could hear the faint sounds of sirens in the distance and he knew an ambulance was coming, not that Harris or the boy would need it, Of course Tony might, and normally he would argue being sent to the hospital but Gibbs didn't think Tony would be arguing much of anything for the time being; the agent had yet to move from his spot against the wall.

"DiNozzo!" Gibbs says sharply and shakes his shoulder in hopes of getting a response. Tony jerks up like he's been shocked, takes one look at the dead Petty Officer and then at Gibbs and mumbles almost to quietly to be heard "I let the kid die." His words slurred together slightly and he says it all very slowly like it takes a great effort to talk.

"We'll get you to a hospital DiNozzo, that thick skull of yours is bleeding pretty bad." Gibbs says, going on as if he hadn't heard him say anything because honestly his response to what Tony had said was just too painful to say out loud. He knew Tony had done everything he could to save the kid, and yet he also knew that he would blame himself for everything that had happened.

"No hospital…Just want to go home." Tony says softly.

Present time- Tony

He downs another glass of the very expensive whiskey, trying to ease the pain that came with reliving the memory. But it didn't work. It never did. Drowning his sorrows was really not his style. Yet he did it anyways. He'd been doing it every day for the past week. He knew Gibbs had noticed when he came to work with alcohol on his breath, yet he didn't say anything. Nobody did. And Tony appreciated that, he really did. He didn't want to be reminded that he was a coward and couldn't face what his own mind tortured him with. He didn't want anyone's help. Because he hadn't helped Daniel. He still ended up dead in the snow.

Tony picks up his gun, the familiar weapon fitting perfectly into his hand. How many lives had he saved with this gun in hand? _Not enough._ Now he would take his own life with the same gun. It seemed rather fitting to him. He laid his NCIS badge on the table next to the empty glass and half full bottle of whiskey. He cocks the weapon. _No going back now. Don't be a coward DiNozzo._ His finger wraps slowly around the trigger. He squeezes his eyes shut and takes a deep breath. _No more pain, no more sorrows. I'm ending this now. _He knows exactly how much pressure he had to put on the trigger to fire, he knows that he could still change his mind at the point. But he can't do it. Not alone.

"I'm sorry Gibbs. I guess I can't save them all."

He pulls the trigger.

No bullet is fired. The only thing coming from his gun is an unsatisfying click. He drops the gun as if it is on fire, letting it land with a heavy thud on the floor. The door to his apartment bursts open.  
"Merry Christmas Tony!" The happiest goth he's ever met runs into his house, not yet noticing the scene in front of here.

_Ignorance is bliss._. Then Abby takes in the scene in front of her, The tears start to well up in her eyes.

"Oh god, Tony no." she says softly.

Tony smiles, a small, tired, sad smile. "Merry Christmas Abs."


	2. Apologies for all the Wrong Reasons

AN: I am super pleased with the response this story got, I have to say that last line may have been the most awfully tragic thing I've ever written. Not just because of what he had just tried to do but because he feels the need to suck it up to keep up appearances. But you don't want to hear me reflect on my own writing now do you? Just wanted to say thanks for all the favs and reviews, you guys are awesome keep it up. Please note following chapter is just as dark as the first.

-Disclaimer: I own zilch-

(Abby)

She had been expecting to surprise Tony on Christmas eve, she hadn't been able to go back home to her actual family and she knew Tony often spent the holidays alone. She had gotten dressed up in her favorite Christmas outfit: A black miniskirt with skulls wearing Santa hats, black and red striped tights, an also black t-shirt with a picture that matched the ones on her skirt, and the pigtails. Always the pigtails.

She was expecting a movie marathon with Tony and possibly even a popcorn fight, that was just how things went. Unfortunately, a wrench had been thrown in what would of otherwise been happy holiday plans. When she burst into Tony's apartment she had expected to see him watching some old Bond movie, quoting every line and eating popcorn. But that was not what she saw. She saw the man who had become something of an older brother to her staring at a gun on the floor. That he had just dropped from its place against his head. She saw a bottle about half empty on the coffee table sitting right next to his NCIS badge. She told herself not to cry, she tried to hold back the tears.

"Oh god, Tony no." she had said in a voice barely above a whisper, her hands over her face covering her shocked expression. And then, just when she though it couldn't get worse Tony speaks up.

"Merry Christmas Abs."

She had been tearing up just a second ago but now she was holding back sobs. She bit her lip harshly and told herself that she had to help Tony, and that crying-or rather sobbing-in front of him would only make it worse.

"Tony…" she starts, not knowing what to say to him.

"Bet you didn't expect to see this did you." Tony says, his words slurring together ever so slightly and he was slipping back into the long island accent that made reappearances when he was either tired or drunk. It seemed it was both in this case.

"I…I've got to call Gibbs." She says almost apologetically, knowing that it would be best for Tony if she did but she also knew he would not be happy about it.

"Abs…don't. Anyone but Gibbs. Just call Ducky or something…please anyone but Gibbs." Tony says, his tone staying remarkably even but his eyes were pleading with her. He didn't even look like someone who had just tried to kill himself, he just looked like a small child getting caught doing something that he knew he shouldn't. And that was what was really worrying Abby.

She pulls out her cell phone, making a quick call to Ducky, the whole time not taking her eyes off of Tony, who had yet to move even an inch. As she ended the call she hoped Ducky had caught her cryptic hints about bringing Gibbs with him. Her eyes quickly flash from Tony to the gun on the floor and even in his slightly drunken state he sees her looking.

"Go ahead, take it. Someone took the firing pin out. S'no good to me." Tony says not sounding angry or even sad, just tired and…well, it sounded like he had completely given up.

She tries not to let her sorrow show to obviously on her face as her eyes meet Tony's. Usually his green eyes were bright and alive but looking at them now they had a dull, dead quality about them. This was not something that had just happened overnight. This had been going on for a while. And nobody had done anything to stop him. She couldn't help but blame herself for that. She lets her eyes fall away from Tony's gaze and walks over to pick the gun up from its place on the floor. She carefully unloads it and sets it well out of Tony's reach.

"That's really not necessary Abs, I wouldn't do anything now. Not with you here." He says softly.

Of course. Leave it to Tony to think of a way to turn this away from himself. Just minutes ago he had a gun held to his head and now he was trying not to upset her. It also occurred to her that what he had just said also meant that he would likely try again if left alone. She swallows down the lump in her throat and tells herself that Ducky and Gibbs would be there soon. They'd know what to do.

(Tony)

The arrival of Abby only made his problem substantially worse and now there was nothing he could do about. Ducky would be arriving soon and then all bets were off. He could usually count on Ducky to keep his secrets for him, he had done it before, but now he wasn't so sure. Surely Ducky would tell Gibbs about this, and hell maybe he wanted him to. At least if someone else knew he wouldn't feel so fucking alone.

He doesn't move as Abby crosses the room slowly and then wraps her arms around him. He just stays as still as a statue, cold and emotionless. That was the best mask he could manage at the moment without falling apart at the seams. He was close enough to that already and pushing his luck…well really it was starting to seem like his luck was running on. Not only had the damned gun not fired but Abby had arrived just seconds later. He could've ended it even without the gun had Abby not arrived. Now he was stuck here. He wanted so badly to be angry at Abby, he wanted to tell himself that she was the reason he was still suffering, he wanted someone to blame. But he couldn't do that to her. And so the only person to blame was himself.

"Tony, why?"

Two words. Two damned words were all it took to break him. He would have been ashamed of it had he not been too drunk and tired to care. As soon as those words left Abby's mouth he could hear all the voices echoing in his head, the people he hadn't been able to save. That was reason enough for him. He had fucked up to big this time. He let a little boy die. He didn't deserve to live after that. Yet it seemed so selfish, to try and end his life when a young boy's had just been taken from him. It seemed so selfish because he knew how it would hurt all his family at NCIS. It was so damn selfish. And yet, he couldn't blame himself for trying. Even it was the easy way out, even it made him a coward. He didn't care. He just wanted the pain to stop.

But he couldn't say that to Abby. He couldn't trust himself to not cry in front of her. Over the years he'd become very good at not crying even when it felt like he was being torn apart. But now, he just couldn't trust himself to do that. "I don't deserve to be alive." Tony says, in a voice so low it's barely audible. "Even my way out was so damn selfish."

And then he was sure he would completely break down. He was going to end up sobbing into Abby's shoulder and trying to explain why he had pulled the trigger. Why, by all reason, he should be dead. Why she should've opened up his door to see his body laying limp on the couch in a pool of red with the gun right in the center of it all. It was going to happen he just knew it. And then he'd be fucking something else up, because DiNozzos don't cry.

He knows that his response had silenced Abby, and in any other circumstances he'd joke about the goth finally being quiet for once. He didn't know what to say to her now though. Now that she'd seen him at his very worse. Just seconds after he should've been dead from his own hand. "I'm sorry Abs." he says resignedly and rests his head in his hands.

It was a good thing that Ducky arrived when he did, Tony knew he only had so much time before he lost it completely and he had a feeling that Abby just wanted to be able to cry and not feel bad about it. Abby's presence had been the only thing keeping him from bursting into tears the second that bullet hadn't ended his life. He didn't want to hurt her anymore. He wished he could explain that it would almost be better if she would cry. He didn't want to make anyone pretend to be strong for him. Hopefully Duck would just give him some very strong meds that would knock him out and make him forget about all of this. Because right now, that was all he wanted, well that and a second chance to off himself.

He had no such luck. Ducky had just arrived and Tony already knew he wouldn't be getting what he wanted this time.

"Anthony, dear boy…" Even Ducky seems to be at a loss for words. He just steps further inside Tony's apartment and looks at the scene laid out in front of him. Following a few feet behind him is Gibbs. The sight of him makes Tony's go pale as a ghost and for a second he was sure he was going to pass out. He wasn't that lucky.

Of course, he already knew his luck had been running out.

He stands up slowly, ignoring the slightly sickening pop in his knee that happened whenever he sat one way for too long. He tries to keep his eyes off of Gibbs, because he knows that his boss's stare will be relentless and he wasn't sure he could handle that at the moment.

"Well. I think I'll be heading to sleep. It seems you three have something to talk about." Tony says evenly and he starts to walk away from Gibbs, turning his back on him entirely as soon as he had the chance.

"Tony I'm not sure" Abby starts to protest, looking at Ducky desperately for help.

"Don't worry Abs, there's nothing in there to off myself with." Tony says. It would have been easier if his tone had been cold, harsh even. But it wasn't, it was sad. But not the sadness that was to be expected, from the way he said it, it was like he regretted not having another way to kill himself waiting in his bedroom.

He was surprised that they let him walk away alone. He didn't think it would be that easy. Maybe he would get his second chance tonight. Certainly, there was some was he could do it, hopefully without too much noise that would disturb Abby. His plans were wrecked once again when he sees Gibbs start following behind him. And he would let him do it. For now. But only because he didn't want to cause a scene in front of Abby. He wouldn't do that to her. Not after all the pain he had already put her through tonight. Once they were alone, now that was an entirely different story.

He walks into his bedroom, leaving the door open behind him for Gibbs. He knew his boss would have the good sense to shut it when he followed him in. He sits on the edge of his bed, his gaze locked on the floor knowing that he wouldn't be able to look Gibbs in the eye while he tried to explain just what his motives had been.

"I'm sorry Boss." Tony mumbles under his breath in such a small voice he couldn't be sure Gibbs had heard him. Maybe he didn't want him to hear. Maybe all of these apologies were just for not succeeding in what he had tried to do. After what they had seen tonight he would just be a burden on them, none of them would be able to look at him straight after seeing him like this.

"Just get some sleep DiNozzo. We'll talk in the morning," Gibbs says, taking a seat in the armchair that sat in the corner of Tony's bedroom.

At this point Tony was just a little too drunk and just a little too tired to care. He crawls under his blankets, still wearing his fancy suit and expensive tie from earlier that day. He doesn't even notice that Gibbs had hardly even blinked sense he stepped in his house. His eyes had been on Tony the whole time. He would get used to being stared at pretty soon though. That was just something that came along with being so horribly insufficient that you couldn't even take your own life. The way people looked at you. That damn look that was something between pity and the worst disappointment possible. He would become very well acquainted with that look. But he didn't think about that know. His thoughts were focused on one thing; he just wanted to sleep through the night with no nightmares, no waking up screaming up three AM, no uncontrollable sobbing.

Of course, that was too much to ask.

(Gibbs)

It was almost 2:30 AM. Gibbs still sat in the armchair in the corner of Tony's bedroom, he hadn't moved since he first sat down. He also hadn't slept a wink. Ducky was sleeping in Tony's guest bedroom, even though he likely had other things to be doing on Christmas he wasn't willing to leave without a chance to talk to Tony. Abby was asleep on Tony's couch, unwilling to leave Tony alone for even the shortest amount of time. For anyone who hadn't been there a few hours ago they might not know anything was wrong. But they would soon. All hell was about to break loose. This was just the calm before the storm.

Tony starts tossing and turning under the blankets, which is what caught Gibbs attention; the agent had been sleeping soundly until that point. Then tossing and turning gives way to panicked thrashing. Then Tony starts to mutter something in his sleep. At first Gibbs didn't know if Tony was actually saying anything at all; he couldn't make out any familiar words. But then Tony starts to talk just a little bit louder and under different circumstances Gibbs might have just laughed,; Tony was speaking Italian in his sleep._ Only Tony._

Of course, any humor in the situation quickly evaporated when Tony screamed. He was shocked for a second, then curious, wanting to know what nightmares could cause such a sound to come from DiNozzo. He didn't have time to think about it though before Tony shot straight up in bed looking panicked and lost, like he didn't have the slightest idea of where he was at. Then Tony collapses, his head falling into his hands and his shoulders shaking. It takes Gibbs just a minute to realize that Tony is crying. He'd seen his agent tear up on occasion but this was something else entirely.

The worst had yet to come though, best case scenario was Tony would fall back asleep without noticing Gibbs' presence. Today did not seem to be a good day for 'best case scenarios.' After what seemed like an eternity Tony raises his head slowly. Gibbs doesn't say anything, he never was much of a talker but now he was completely lost for words. His eyes just meet Tony's. It's all he can to do hold his gaze.

"I can't take this anymore Gibbs. I just….I don't…I can't keep pretending."

** AN: No new chapters for the next two days. Fair warning. **


	3. Got Your Six

**AN: Maybe I lied about not having new chapters. I dunno. So this chapter will just be real short, not so much a chapter by itself just leading up to the next one and closing up the last. **

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. **

As soon as the words left Tony's mouth he regretted saying them, it was a moment of weakness. He had just wanted for someone to understand why he'd tried to eat a bullet earlier that day. Worse than what he had said was what he had done before he remembered Gibbs was still there. Any respect Gibbs might've previously held for him was likely long gone at the point. _Great, just another thing I fucked up._ Now instead of trying to fix what he had just said he was just sitting there wallowing in self-pity. No wonder Gibbs didn't have anything to say to him. He was probably thinking just how pathetic Tony was. That wouldn't surprise him a bit, because honestly that was what he was thinking about himself.

Gibbs opens his mouth to speak but Tony has no interest in hearing what he had to say; his self-pity had quickly gave way to anger. Realistically he knew none of this was Gibbs fault but he was the only other person in the room and seemed as just as good a target as any for Tony's sudden, if not irrational, anger.

"You probably want to know why I did it don't you Boss? It must be killing you to be out of the loop on this one. But hell, this might as well just be another one of our fucking cases so I guess I can clue you in." Tony says, meeting Gibbs eyes with a hard stare. Usually he wouldn't act like this with Gibbs around, but these were highly unusual circumstances and Gibbs seemed to be taking it all in stride; the man just stood there with his arms crossed as if waiting for Tony to continue.

"I bet you think this started about a week ago, the hostage situation gone wrong. A little kid died because I couldn't protect him but you'd know how that feels." Damn, that was a low blow. Tony actually saw Gibbs flinch a little when he said it yet he couldn't exactly bring himself to regret doing it. "Well, I'll let you in on a little secret Gibbs. It's been going on a hell of a lot longer than that. It's been months, hell, probably even years. I've been thinking about pulling the trigger for a long time." Gibbs actually looks a little surprised at this information. Good. He should be. "That surprise you does it? I bet you'd never had guessed that the same guy who spent most his day throwing paper airplanes like a child came home and contemplated eating a bullet every god damned night. Yeah Boss, that's me. If apologies are a sign of weakness what's putting a gun to your head and being too much of a coward to pull the trigger?"

"Tony, we'll talk about his in the morning, you need to sleep."_ Translation: I need a while to let that sink in._

Tony's anger evaporates almost as quickly as it had appeared. The cold harsh stare was gone and replaced by a look that could only be described as tired. At least when he was angry there had been something there. Now he just felt empty. "Won't be able to sleep. You've already seen what happens."_ Nightmares. Lots of them. _

"I'm sure Ducky has something."_ Ducky will give you something that'll knock you flat on your ass. _

"Don't wake him up. Don't want to bother anyone else. I'll be fine." Tony says with a small frown. He didn't much like the idea of not even being able to fall asleep on his own. Of course, he hadn't been able to do that for weeks now. The circles under his eyes just kept getting darker and the coffee kept getting stronger. That was just how he did things. _I can see how well that worked. _

"Just get some sleep."

"Got it Boss." It was said it a quiet mumble; he was already starting to fall asleep. Maybe the sheer exhaustion would allow him to get more than a few hours of sleep tonight. That sure would be a nice change. He leans back on his pillows and is almost asleep once more. Gibbs had taken up his spot in the corner chair once again; it seemed he would not be sleeping at all tonight.

"I've got your six, DiNozzo." Gibbs said quietly, about two minutes later and at first Tony wasn't sure he had heard him right, actually he wasn't sure Gibbs had actually said anything at all. He wouldn't say this to anyone but he was really hoping he hadn't just imagined it. It would be kind of nice to know someone was looking out for him.


	4. Why Are You Sorry?

AN: Thanks to all the people who have been reviewing the story, you're all great! Uh.., Usually these are longer than one sentence. Alright well, things are still in that pretty little downward spiral for our favorite very special agent and it will probably continue going downhill for a few more chapters. I'll try to give this chapter some length but I dunno what's going happen with it. So with that said, the story.

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

It was seven in the morning the next time Tony woke up, in a much more peaceful manner than he previously had. Even though he didn't wake up screaming from a nightmare he still had one bitch of a hangover. Great. That was the perfect way to take on Gibbs. Exhausted, hung-over, and generally without answers. Really he didn't even want to talk to Gibbs. It would be easier to explain to Ducky or even Abby but Gibbs…Explaining things to Gibbs was never easy and given the circumstances it was highly unlikely this would be any different.

He didn't remember falling asleep wearing his suit but evidently he had, considering he was still wearing it now. Really it was not good sleeping attire. He also didn't recall lending Abby his gray OSU sweatpants and scarlet Buckeyes shirt but it must've happened at some point considering that was what she was wearing now, sitting in the same chair Gibbs had been in most of the night before. She was uncharacteristically silent and that frightened him just a little. No, fright was the wrong word. Perhaps guilt was more accurate. Yes, he felt guilty for being so damn selfish he didn't even think about what would've happened to the rest of the team had he succeeded in killing himself. That also happened to be the same reason he thought he deserved to die. _I'm just too damn selfish._

"Gibbs is trying to work your coffee machine, told me to get him if you woke up. Said he wants to talk to you." Abby says all of this in an even, monotone voice. Probably because if she didn't talk like that her voice would tell him all the things that her words wouldn't and he wasn't sure he wanted to hear that. Aside from the dead tone of her voice there was two other things wrong with what she had just told him, first Gibbs was trying to work his coffee machine- that thing was expensive and damn if he was going to let Gibbs break it- and Gibbs wanted to talk to him. The latter was the more pressing issue; he could just imagine all the things Gibbs would have to say to him, all the questions he would ask. Tony sits on the edge of the bed with his face in his hands, trying to think of ways to get out of talking to Gibbs. Anytime Gibbs was asking to talk something would surely end badly; Gibbs rarely spoke and when he did it was hardly ever more than one or two sentences at a time. Tony had a sinking feeling that he would be getting a lot more than one or two sentences today.

"You're going to have to talk to him eventually." Abby says softly and although she didn't say it he knew that when she said he'd have to talk to Gibbs she meant that he'd owe them all an explanation. Hopefully it would just stay between Gibbs, Ducky, Abby and himself but for some reason he didn't see that happening. He spent the majority of his time around the NCIS team, and that included McGee and Ziva. Oh yes, they would find out. Maybe only if he succeeded the next time, but they would know eventually he was sure. Some secrets just didn't keep well. This would be one of them.

"I know Abs." Tony says with a small sigh. Nobody would look at him the same after this. He knew that for sure. Maybe it would be a good time to leave NCIS. He'd never held onto a job this long before and he had been getting lots of offers from the FBI. Working under Fornell couldn't be that bad could it? It would probably be better for the rest of the team anyways, that way he'd already be out of their lives when he decided to pull the trigger again. He was sure one did not get that close and not try again. He had made up his mind. He was sure that he wanted to die. He should've died. Damned gun. Couldn't fire a single bullet when he needed it to. There was other ways, probably less bloody, grotesque ways. Hell maybe and overdose would be what ended him. At least then he could have an open casket funeral.

"I'm just…really, really sorry Tony." Abby says her voice cracking just a little bit when she said his name.

He hadn't been expecting an apology from her. Or anyone actually. He was sure that they would want apologies from him. Apologies and explanations. Two things he was very bad at. He'd been working through all the ways he could say it, trying to sound sincere, like he regretted more than the gun not firing. He didn't know what she had to be sorry for. Her apology almost made him feel worse, it was just another reminder of all the damage he was causing with this. He didn't want pity. He didn't want sympathy. He just wanted it all to end. No, Abby did not have any reason to apologize. He was the only one who should be sorry. Of course, he couldn't exactly tell Abby that.

"You didn't pull the trigger." Tony says evenly, in a casual tone like he was discussing the weather not a botched suicide attempt. It probably wasn't the best approach he could have taken but in his mind it definitely beat completely breaking down and crying into her shoulders. He wouldn't do that. Not now, not ever, DiNozzos did not cry.

"You're my best friend Tony! You're like an older brother to me and I didn't notice anything! I should've known something was wrong but I didn't. I was just being to selfish to see that something might've been wrong." Abby says, the even monotone long gone and replaced by something that sounded extremely close to tears. He could handle tears, it wouldn't be the first time Abby had cried on his shoulder, but what he couldn't handle was Abby blaming herself for anything. She thought she was being selfish. If only she knew what he was thinking, she wouldn't be blaming herself quite as much. He didn't want her to think the same things that he was. It was a slippery slope he knew all too well. The guilt, the pain, the sorrows. And then you just want it all to end. He wouldn't let Abby get anywhere near what he had. If he had any reason to still be alive that was it; to make sure someone else didn't fall down the same path that he had. He wouldn't wish that sort of pain on even his worst enemy. Well, except maybe Ari. Because that bastard had killed Kate. _Kate, just one more person that I couldn't save. _

"You wouldn't have notice Abs. It's not like I was going to have a neon sign that says 'suicidal'." Well damn, that came out harsh. Much harsher than he had intended. He didn't mean to say that. It had just slipped out. Sometimes that happened. Now was not a time when he could afford for that to happen. "Shit, I didn't mean that!" He tries to fix his slip up but it seemed the damage was done. Tears were starting to well up in Abby's eyes. Damn it. He didn't want to make her cry.

"I'm sorry Tony." Abby says and tears start to run down her face. He didn't want her to apologize. He should be the one saying sorry not her. He was the one who had made her cry. She hadn't done anything wrong. Of course, she probably just didn't want him trying to off himself again. Maybe that was the plan. Do and say anything to make sure DiNozzo didn't try to eat a bullet. Seemed like a good idea. Too bad his mind was set. They wouldn't be changing that. It was a sad unfortunate truth. But Tony was getting accustomed to those.

Tony was going to try and explain to Abby that she had nothing to be sorry for-although he knew his efforts would be made in vain- when Gibbs walked in carrying a steaming cup of coffee and wearing the same thing he had been when he arrived the night before. He didn't look angry or even disappointed as Tony had expected. He wore a look Tony didn't expect. Sympathy. Understanding. That wasn't right. He should be mad. And then it occurs to Tony. An offhand comment during a case once. A naval officer had shot himself in the head after the death of his wife. Gibbs had said he'd felt the same way. Of course. Shannon and Kelly. With that fresh in his mind his own problems were starting to seem lesser. Self-pity and sorrow was starting to be replaced by what could only be described as shame. There was no other way to put that. Did he regret pulling the trigger? No, he couldn't manage to regret that. But what he did regret was letting it get bad enough that he'd even consider in the first place.

"You alright Abs?" Gibbs asks, focusing on Abby first. Good, at least he had his priorities straight. Help the person there was still hope for first. _Is there any hope left for me? _

Abby nods her head slightly and wipes her tears away with the sleeve of her sweatshirt. "I'll let you two talk" she says in the quietest voice Tony had ever heard her use. That voice made him feel even more ashamed. Not only was he hurting himself but everyone else as well. At least if he were dead he wouldn't be able to see the pain he was putting everyone else through.

Abby walks out of Tony's bedroom and shuts the door lightly behind her. Tony's eyes flick up to look at Gibbs who was still standing near the door. He meets Gibbs' eyes for just a second then quickly looks away. For a few moments they sat in silence, neither one of them quite knowing what to say. There were no words for a situation like this.

"Long night DiNozzo?" Gibbs asks, using the same tone he would have used had he caught DiNozzo sleeping at his desk. Not a tone that was usually used with someone who had tried to kill himself. Tony appreciated that. He didn't want to be treated differently. Or maybe he did. Would he have pulled that trigger if he didn't?

"I was sleeping alone so it wasn't that long." Tony jokes, a ghost of his usual smile on his face. But at least he was trying. It was a start. The more normal he seemed the sooner he would be left alone.

"Considering the circumstances…" Gibbs says and lets the unfinished statement hang in the air, seemingly suspended by the tension that had suddenly appeared in the room. Tony flinches just a little. So much for trying to seem normal.

"You mad at me DiNozzo?" Gibbs asks suddenly. The question caught Tony off guard; of all the things he would be angry at Gibbs was certainly not on the list.

"Why would I be mad?" Tony asks cautiously, hoping there wasn't more bad news. Of course there seemed to be a lot of that lately so he couldn't excuse the possibility which was rather unfortunate.

"I thought you knew." Gibbs says and he looks angry at himself for having said anything in the first place. Obviously he knew something Tony didn't. Great. Just great.

"Knew what boss?" Tony asks, his eyebrows furrowing.

"I took the firing pin out of your gun."

AN: I've got a four day weekend so chances are lots of chapters!


	5. The Life and Loss of Leroy Jethro Gibbs

AN: Thanks for all the reviews! All you people are great! This chapter is another short filler type thingy.

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Well damn. He should've seen that one coming. Of course, Gibbs had noticed something was wrong. Maybe not enough to ask him about it but just enough to see where it could be leading. Only Gibbs would've noticed the near imperceptible changes that nobody else had. The dull look in his eyes that replaced the usual brightness. He should be glad that Gibbs took out the firing pin. He wasn't. He couldn't be angry at Gibbs though. He was just trying to protect him. _From myself, that is. _

"Can't say I'm too happy about it. But mad at you? No." Tony says and he sees Gibbs flinch ever so slightly at his casual tone over the issue. It was like he was having a casual conversation, not like he had recently had a gun to his head. He had to maintain some sort of normality, even it if bothered Gibbs. Normal was the only thing that could keep him together at this point.

"I've got a question for you Gibbs. How did you know?" He asks. The mask he had been wearing rarely cracked enough for anyone-even Gibbs- to notice something was wrong. It had been ground into him his whole life; plaster a smile on your face and act like nothing was wrong. Usually that was enough to convince people, and after lying for so long he had even started to believe it himself. Then something like this happened and all the lies came out.

"I know you DiNozzo." Gibbs answers simply, and Tony has to admit he was right. Gibbs knew him probably better than anyone else, he picked up on the small things that he did and although Gibbs rarely said anything about it he always acted on his gut feelings. A gut feeling was the only reason Tony was alive right now. He couldn't make himself feel grateful.

"I know what you're going through DiNozzo." That one shocked Tony. He knew Gibbs had lost his wife and daughter and that had practically turned his life upside down. But he didn't think his usually unflappable boss knew what it felt like to feel completely worthless. To want nothing more than to die. He didn't think Gibbs had ever held a gun to his head, decided that there really was no hope for him and pulled the trigger. That just didn't seem possible.

(Gibbs)

"I know what you're going through DiNozzo." He says, and really he did. He knew exactly how Tony felt. Worthless and desperate for a way out. It was a familiar feeling for him.

-Flashback-

1991

Leroy Jethro Gibbs was sure his life would never be the same again. Kelly and Shannon were gone. It hadn't seemed so final, so permanent, so real. But then there was the funeral. And then it all became very clear to him; with both of his girls gone he had nothing left. It was all over for him. All concepts of a normal life shattered before his eyes. Kelly would never get to grow up. He would never get to kiss Shannon again. Everything he loved was gone.

If Shannon was alive he would've been ashamed for her to see him now. Sitting in the basement of their house, a nearly empty bottle of bourbon in one hand, an old revolver in the other. Guilt and grief was eating away at him and the bourbon was the only thing that helped to numb the pain but no matter how much he drank it was never enough. His dead family was always fresh in his mind no matter how drunk he got. No matter how hard he tried to drown his sorrows. It just wouldn't work.

Add to that the guilt. He blamed himself for their deaths, and rightfully so in his mind. He hadn't been there to protect them. He just let it happen. He was supposed to keep them safe. He had failed. He didn't deserve to live after failing his family like that. His family should've always come first. He should've been there. Not overseas. Too late to change now. And hindsight was always 20/20.

Guilt, grief, a bottle of booze, and a bullet. It all seemed like a good combination to him. It was a deadly combination. It wasn't the first time he considered that way out. At the time he was sure it would be the last. He wouldn't be alive in the morning. He couldn't take the pain that long, even with the bourbon. With the guilt and grief intensifying every second he wanted nothing more than for it all to end. He was about to make that happen.

A game of one man Russian roulette didn't sound so bad right about now. He loads a single bullet into the old revolver. Spins the cylinder. Raises the gun to his head. And pulls the trigger.

-2005-

He had failed again. The first time it was Kelly and Shannon. Now it was Kate. Her last words echoed in his head over and over again. He hadn't been able to do anything to even try and save her. Death was instantaneous. He should take some comfort in knowing that she hadn't suffered. He didn't. Just as he had with Shannon and Kelly he felt guilty. Once again it was his fault. Just another time he had failed to protect someone. It seemed to be happening a lot. He knew he couldn't save everyone, but why did he have to fail all the people that were important to him.

There was a strange sense of déjà vu as he sat in his basement with a bottle of bourbon, nearly empty, in one hand and the same old revolver in the other. He takes a long drink of the bourbon hoping to numb the pain. It didn't work. Of course not. It hadn't worked fourteen years ago why would it work now. Some things just never changed. The constant pain was one of them.

Guilt, grief, a bottle of booze, and a bullet. The same deadly combination. A game of one man Russian roulette didn't seem like such a bad idea. Maybe this time he would get lucky. Maybe he would die with the first pull of the trigger. He hadn't fourteen years ago. Maybe he would today. He loads a single bullet into the revolver. Spins the cylinder. Lifts the gun to his head and pulls the trigger.

He the gun to the floor. A single tear running down his face. Some things just never changed.

-Present Time-(Tony)

Gibbs seemed to be lost in time, relieving the death of his wife and child no doubt. Tony certainly knew how that sort of flashback felt. Life was a real bitch sometimes. This seemed like one of those times.


	6. The Life and Loss of Anthony DiNozzo

AN: Another chapter so soon? Yep. It's a weekend. It's raining. I've got nothing better to do. So here you go. Oh and the season 9 episode Secrets, that doesn't exist in my story. Wendy never came back. You'll see why. Oh and we'll say this is all happening sometime in season eight so that would be what 2011. I think so.

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

So maybe Gibbs did know what he was going through. Strangely enough he didn't take solace in knowing he was not alone. He would rather be alone. This would be easier to sort out if he was completely alone. Then he wouldn't have to think that Gibbs hadn't actually pulled the trigger than why should he. This was why he tried to keep his problems to himself. Why he tried to hide behind a clowns act. Why he just put on a smile and said everything was fine. _Everything was always fucking fine._

"When did this start Tony?" Gibbs asks, efficiently snapping him out of his thoughts.

When did this start? Damn, he wasn't even sure if he could remember. Thoughts of killing himself had been his constant companion for nearly his whole life thanks to his shitty childhood. He didn't want Gibbs to know that. Besides he had never really considered it until later.

"Before I started working for you. I dunno about nine years ago give or take two years." Tony says, being vague although he knew the exact date that it had started. December 24, 2000. He should remember that date. It was written on two death certificates.

"DiNozzo" Gibbs says, the tone of his voice clearly showing that he knows Tony is lying. And that he won't leave until he hears the truth. Great. Just great.

"Fine. It was Christmas time. 11 years ago. Happy?"

"Not yet. What happened?"

Oh he should've seen that one coming. Of course Gibbs would want to know what had started this. Probably looking for someone to kill if he knew his boss. He debated telling him the truth. Maybe it would be easier to deal with if he did. Maybe if he didn't have to hide it every single year. If he didn't have to pretend that every year when Christmas rolled around he wanted nothing more than to die. _Some Christmas wish that is. _

"Nothing that concerns you." He says in a harsh bitter tone. Maybe it would be easier if someone else knew. But at this point he didn't care.

Gibbs gives him one of his infamous glares. Well, at least he wasn't being treated like damaged goods. That was a start. But it didn't mean he would suddenly spill his guts to Gibbs. Not a chance in hell.

But Gibbs would understand it. He knew what it felt like to have the people you loved taken away from you. If there was anyone who could sympathize with his situation it was Gibbs. Well, he might as well like Gibbs think that the glare worked. That would be good for his ego.

Tony takes a deep breath and looks at the floor. He didn't like to think about it let alone tell people. He'd never actually had to talk about it. To anyone really.

"You want to know, you're going to have to hear the whole story. Started when I was still working in Baltimore, had been married to Wendy - I told you about her didn't I?- for about eight years. Had a seven year old daughter, her name was Elizabeth, I swear boss she was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. Well, then Elle started getting sick. Took her to the hospital thinking it was probably just the flu. Ended up getting diagnosed with cancer. Poor kid hated hospitals but for the next year she was stuck in one more often than not. They told us with the diagnoses that her chances weren't good, that she'd be lucky to live till she was eight. The doctor told us that and I actually broke his nose. Still can't bring myself to regret doing that. Then it set in that the doctor was right. She would never grow up, hell she'd be lucky if she even had another Christmas. That's about how long she was fighting it. Just until Christmas. Now me and Wendy stayed at the hospital almost all the time but Wendy had gone out to get Elle something for Christmas. We didn't have a whole lot of money, hospital bills really were a bitch, but we didn't want her to have nothing on Christmas. Things had been getting worse for a while but we had thought she'd have a little more time, the doctors were doing everything they could but it still wasn't enough. I thought she'd at least make it to Christmas. Well it was a few minutes after Wendy had left, Elle looks up at me and says 'Daddy, I don't want to leave you and Momma.' Ten minutes later she was gone. I'd called Wendy and told her that it looked like this was it, she was coming back as fast as she could. She wasn't there when Elle died. At first I was almost mad about it. Then a cop walks into to hospital. Says 'I'm sorry Mr. DiNozzo, there's been an accident involving your wife. Head on collision with a snow plow. Died on impact. Didn't even have a chance. It was Christmas Eve, and my whole family had just been taken away from me. Yeah, Boss, I'd say that's when it started."

Tony was looking at the ground as he said all of this but he knew Gibbs wouldn't miss the tears that had started to fall. He didn't want to cry. He had done his crying. It was years ago. But it still killed him to even think about it. He wondered if Gibbs felt that way with Shannon and Kelly. Gibbs, who hadn't said a single word throughout his whole entire story. Who was still remaining silent. Tony didn't blame him. There wasn't much you could say at this point. There was even less to say if you were relieving the death of your own family, which is what Gibbs was probably doing. It was strange, they seemed like total opposites but were actually very much the same. People just dealt with grief in different ways. Tony hid behind an act. Gibbs drank bourbon and built boats.

_Maybe I should build a boat._


	7. New York Here I Come

AN: I forgot to mention I am departing from the standard NCIS universe. I repeat this is not cannon and has the potential to become wildly AU as the last chapter showed you. Thanks for all the reviews you people are great! Oh I thought I should tell you that I don't proof read anything I write. I use spell check and that's it. So…mistakes will be made. Feel free to call me out on them.

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

(Gibbs)

He sighs quietly, having absolutely nothing to say to Tony. Nothing he said could make it any better so why bother trying. Damn, he hadn't expected that out of DiNozzo. Although it certainly explained his fear of commitment. It explained a lot actually. Why he always seemed different around Christmas. Why cases involving children always got to him. Yeah, it explained a lot.

"I'm going to get more coffee. You want anything DiNozzo?" He asks, he wanted to give Tony a few minutes alone but he also made it known he'd be back soon. Didn't want Tony to do anything stupid.

Tony shakes his head slightly and says, "I'm going to take a shower so take your time."

Gibbs nods and leaves the room. He was actually going to get coffee but he also needed to talk to Ducky.

(Tony)

He was surprised when Gibbs actually left it alone but then it occurred to him that Gibbs new he wouldn't do anything with Abby there. Sometimes that man was too damn smart. He told Gibbs he would be taking a shower so he walks into the bathroom and turns the water on, knowing Gibbs and anyone else in the apartment would be able to hear it. He guessed he had about ten minutes before Gibbs got suspicious. It was a good thing he was a quick packer.

Taking out an old duffle bag from under his bed he tries not to make too much noise as he hurries around his bedroom packing the bag. Maybe he wasn't quite ready to pull the trigger again but he did need to get away from Gibbs and Ducky…and even Abby. Because they were too much like family. And to be honest the constant reminder kind of hurt.

He throws a couple of suits into the bag and then looks at the digital clock on his bedside table. Five minutes down five to go. He had packed everything he would need for at least a week. Which was good because he had no idea where he would be going. Anywhere outside of D.C would be a good start. He grabs the gun that he had taped to the toilet Godfather style. Even Gibbs couldn't think of everything. Just like Gibbs didn't think of the fire escape right outside Tony's window.

Four minutes later he was in his car, ready to get out of D.C. Just in the nick of time to, because right about now Gibbs would be bursting into his room looking for someone who wasn't there. _Sorry to disappoint. _He didn't know where he would go, which was a slight problem but at the moment he was not concerned about the final destination, only that he would be far away from D.C. or Baltimore, all things considered.

He figured he had about two more minutes before Gibbs came looking for him, he would've found the fire escape by now and would surely be looking in the parking garage for Tony's car. Too bad it would already be gone. He pulls out of the parking garage, much faster than recommended and makes it out before Gibbs comes looking._ Maybe today is my lucky day._

Once safely away from his apartment he slows down so he is going just over the speed limit. The faster he went the more he had to focus on driving and the less he could think about Gibbs or NCIS or his family. Family…most of his extended family still lived in New York. Even after all these years they would still welcome him back he was sure. Best part was they didn't even know that Wendy or Elizabeth had ever existed. That was good. They didn't know what he did for a living. That was good. They wouldn't ask too many questions. That was even better. _New York here I come. _

As it turns out the four and a half hour drive is best made at over eighty miles an hour with music blasting so loud that you could even hear yourself think. That was just how Tony liked it. Unable to hear his own thoughts. He didn't want to hear them anymore. He was sick of hearing the same damn thing over and over again. He turns the music up and drives just a little faster. His cell phone was long since discarded when he remembered that Gibbs- or more likely McGee- could track him with it. It had taken a trip out the window and eighty miles an hour. _Trace that, Gibbs. _Oh it felt good to be free. At this point he couldn't bother to care about what would happen to his job. Screw NCIS. The only thing that job had ended up doing for him was pushing him to put a gun to his head. No, that wasn't the job. He loved his job most days. Today was just not one of these days. Maybe he would be able to regret this tomorrow. He hoped not. Maybe a couple of weeks would be a better time frame. Right now he just wanted to forget. And what better place to do that than New York.

He had decided that he'd stay in a hotel for the next few nights and then get it contact with his family. There were a few of them that he still talked to on a regular basis. Even the ones that he hadn't spoken to years would welcome him back. When his father had sent him to military school the rest of the family was not happy about that decision. Everyone loved little Tony DiNozzo. They were a close family despite the fact that a few of them were hardly even related. Half the people he considered to be his family were probably only distantly related. He didn't care. They were the people who he had grown up with. They were there when his father wasn't. They were his real family.

(Gibbs)

"McGee trace DiNozzo's phone!" He snapped at the younger agent.

"Boss why do you want me to do that?" Timothy McGee made the truly enormous mistake of questioning an already very angry Gibbs. It was a mistake he would not soon make again. If Gibbs had been there he would've head slapped McGee into next week. And maybe he would when he got to the office.

"Don't ask questions just do it!" He all but shouts and snaps his phone shut. Damn it. Why had he been so stupid. He should have never left DiNozzo alone. He should have noticed the fire escape outside the window. He should've traced the phone earlier because DiNozzo had probably smashed it by now. So many things he should have done. But he didn't and it was too late to change it now. It always was. Now he had no idea where DiNozzo had went or what he was doing. He could only hope he didn't have a gun to his head. He felt safe enough earlier leaving him alone. He knew DiNozzo well, and he also knew that with Abby there DiNozzo wouldn't try anything. For all the man's problems he still loved that girl like a sister. He wouldn't pull anything with her around. Now all bets were off. Gibbs, Abby, and Ducky all seemed to know that.

It had been nearly two hours since Gibbs had stormed into Tony's room, expecting to find the agent dead but instead finding no agent there at all. Then he had noticed the window left open. And the fire escape. He knew DiNozzo would be out of there as soon as possible and without a word to Ducky or Abby he had made a beeline to the parking garage. Tony's car was already gone.

Now they were doing everything they could to find DiNozzo. Two hours of searching for answers and they had nothing. They had only just thought to trace his phone. It should've been the first thing they did. Gibbs knew it was of no use now. He had probably tossed the phone as soon as he had gotten away from the apartment. Even if the damn thing wasn't smashed they would find it in a ditch by the side of the road somewhere. A lot of help that would be.

Counting the trace on DiNozzo's phone they had approximately….zero leads. A suicidal DiNozzo. A near homicidal Gibbs. A sobbing Abby. Oh they had a lot of things. None of them were good or even particularly useful. Combine all that and they had about a zero percent chance of finding Tony.


	8. Traffic and Leads

AN: Sorry for the long wait, I had a busy week. Hopefully this chapter will make up for it. Thanks for all the reviews!

Disclaimer: I own nothing!

(Tony)

It was nearly noon when he arrived in New York. Even by his standards it was far too early to send himself into a drunken stupor; his preferred method of distraction. Although the awful traffic did help him take his mind off the previous day's events and reminded him just how horrid trying to drive in New York City could be. Especially since for the entire drive here he had been going Gibbs speed and swerving in and out of traffic. Four and a half hour drive? How about not.

He slams on the breaks as some jackass cuts him off and then makes a point of giving the man the finger. _What an asshole._ Yeah, he hated New York traffic but damn was it good at getting his mind off things. If you didn't pay attention you'd cause a ten car pileup and probably end up dead yourself._ Not that the last part would be so bad. _No, he couldn't think about that. Not now. He had come here to forget about everything that had happened the day before. It would work. It had to. He had put on a mask his whole life and he would do it again. It was not negotiable.

Traffic really was a bitch. The weather didn't help much either. Most people would be thrilled that it was snowing for Christmas. Not him. He'd almost gotten in upwards of three accidents on his way to the hotel that he had booked a room in on his way to New York. Right before he had tossed his cell phone. It had occurred to him that Gibbs might be able to trace the call he had made and find the hotel but he wasn't particularly worried; with a nice bribe the hotel staff could forget he even existed. Of course, it would be even better when he flashed his ID and played the federal agent card. People usually didn't screw with that. And of course it that doesn't work he could always use the 'Do you know who I am' card. His father's business was big as ever and he was sure that he could come off as a rich playboy. For now, that was what he was. Not a federal agent who had gotten a kid killed. Not someone who had lost their wife and child. Not someone who had just tried to kill himself. Just Anthony DiNozzo. Son of a wealthy businessman who wanted to spend the weekend in a high end hotel in the city. Without anyone knowing. That sounded about right.

At the hotel when he had checked in he slipped the cute girl at the front desk some extra cash and made it quite obvious he didn't want anyone to know he'd been there. Unsurprisingly, she accepted the bribe without further coaxing. He could always work with the cute ones. Not to mention now he could save the 'federal agent' and 'do you know who I am' cards for later. Come to think of it, the federal agent bit would probably be a last resort. After all, that was just a reminder of some more things he didn't want to have brought to mind.

He would get in contact with his family later. He had gotten their numbers off of his phone before he tossed it. He hadn't called them yet though. That was one call he couldn't have Gibbs tracing. Because then the FBI might get involved and they might just have a manhunt on their hands. No it never looked good when a federal agent contacted people suspected of quite the list of violent crimes. Yeah his father was a business man but not all his business was completely legit. He'd come to terms with that. He'd never really liked it but then again it was never really a huge issue for him. Now it was time to embrace it. Maybe that would be good. Joining the family business. Hopefully Gibbs would understand that running off to New York was an unofficial resignation. That would be good for the papers. Federal Agent turned criminal. Well, actually it was unfair to classify his whole family as criminals. It was only about a third of them. They just provided the money for the rest of the family. Except for Tony. Getting disowned would do that for you. It didn't matter at this point though. The rest of the family had just as many problems with his father as Tony himself did. Oh yeah, they'd take him back no problem.

(Gibbs)

"Boss I think I've gotten something off of Tony's phone!" McGee calls excitedly from across the bullpen.

Really Gibbs didn't see any reason to be excited. Whatever he found was probably just another dead end. They'd been at it for hours. Nothing came up. Just a lot of dead ends. Lots and lots of them. Every so often someone would find something. They'd chase down the lead. And they would find absolutely nothing. Understandably, Gibbs didn't think that whatever McGee had found would be any more beneficial.

"Well, don't just sit there! What is it?" Gibbs asks impatience extremely evident in his voice.

"I was able to trace the last call he made, it was to a hotel in New York City."

New York. Of course. Tony had family there. Tony had lived there. He knew the city. He should've thought of it sooner. Should've made the damn connection. Now DiNozzo had probably erased any trace he had ever been there. Probably disappeared into the mass of people visiting family on Christmas. He'd probably fit right in. Well, it wouldn't actually be Tony who fit in. It would be one of his damn acts that he was so good at. It was why he was so good at undercover work. The kid was like a chameleon. He could blend right in and nobody would be the wiser. It was useful on the job but it worried the hell out of Gibbs, the stupid acts were the reason nobody had seen him slowly becoming more and more depressed. Slowly becoming desperate. Nobody noticed when Tony had started looking for a way out. Nobody but him. He'd seen the subtle changes. Probably because he'd been through the same thing. He just knew. So he took the firing pin out of his gun. It was as much as he good do on a gut feeling. He had hoped it had been enough. Yesterday it had. Today, not so much.

"Call 'em up McGee! See if they've had any DiNozzo's check in."

"On it boss!"

(McGee)

He'd been looking for anything useful from Tony's phone for hours, he'd gotten a trace on it but it hadn't moved the whole time he'd been looking. They went, they found the phone. They found nothing else. It had been tossed just outside D.C. Tony probably thought it would break. And it had. But not to the point where McGee couldn't get something off of it. And he had. He'd gotten the number for the hotel in New York. That was a start. Of course, it would be helpful if he knew why he was looking for Tony. Nobody had told him anything. He'd tried to get answers. He was shot down every time. Gibbs was keeping secrets and he didn't very much like being in the dark. But then again he liked his job quite a bit and didn't feel like getting fired today. So he kept his mouth shut and followed orders.

He just wanted to know what had happened to Tony. As annoying and irritating as he was Tony was still part of their little dysfunctional family. He was like a brother to McGee. And yet he still got no answers to whether or not he was okay. Or even alive for that matter. No, Tony couldn't be dead. Gibbs was in an extremely awful mood but it wasn't like when Kate had died. For now Tony was still alive. McGee really hoped it stayed that way.

AN: Once again thanks for all the reviews! I really love reading them (:


	9. New York Here We Come

**AN: Well since I have nothing better to do today another chapter for all of you! Please keep up the reviews (:**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing**

(Tony)

He figured he had two days tops before Gibbs found where he was staying and came to drag him back to D.C. That was unfortunate; five star hotels were a nice place to stay for Christmas. But that wasn't as important as staying of off Gibbs' radar. By now they'd probably already figured that he was in New York. Probably even found the hotel. Hopefully bribing the staff would work because he couldn't have Gibbs finding him before he had a chance to get in touch with his family. Really, he didn't want Gibbs to find him at all but that was hardly realistic. Even then, it was a big place and the chances of Gibbs just happening to see him were slim to none.

He knew he'd have to call his family eventually and already had a person in mind. His cousin Dominic couldn't turn his back on him no matter how long he was gone. That kid was like his brother. Dom had been the only one he had felt bad about leaving when he went to Ohio State. Of course, he understood why he had to leave; they all knew DiNozzo Senior was…well a jackass to put it lightly. As far as Tony knew none of the rest of his family faulted him for leaving. It shouldn't be a problem. What would be a problem however, was his job. He was pretty sure that his family wouldn't be too happy with the whole federal agent thing. No, they wouldn't be happy at all. But he had two days to work that out.

(Gibbs)

McGee had called the hotel. They had told him next to nothing. Of course. Gibbs wasn't pleased at that news and just about took McGee';s head off when he told him. From what McGee had said it sounded like Tony had been there, but either wasn't anymore or they wouldn't tell McGee if he was. Well, Tony was thorough he had to give him that.

He had yet to tell McGee about why they were looking for Tony, and he could tell that he was pissed about being kept in the dark but it wasn't his secret to tell. It was far too personal to let anyone know. Which is why Gibbs has to go down to autopsy for probably the fifth time that day. He got into the elevator and jabs the button rather harshly which sends everyone else in the elevator into a corner as far from Gibbs as possible. When it stopped at the next floor everyone got off. They knew better than to further agitate an already pissed Gibbs. Good. He didn't want to be bothered by any of the other agents. He just wanted to find his Senior Field Agent and bring him back to D.C.

Thankfully there was no body in autopsy; important conversations were best done when Ducky wasn't holding a murder victim's liver. When Gibbs walks in Ducky immediately sends Palmer to Abby's lab. Tony and Palmer might be friends but Gibbs was still pretty sure Tony didn't want anyone else hearing about….well everything that had happened in the last twenty four hours.

"I think we found him Duck" Gibbs was never really big on words and already it was clear that he expected Ducky to supply most of the conversation.

"Ah Jethro, where has young Anthony escaped to?" If DiNozzo was here he would've rolled his eyes at the use of his full name. Only Ducky ever called him that. Of course, Ducky was big on proper names. Which is why he called Gibbs Jethro.

"New York. Some five star hotel in Manhattan."

"If I am not mistaken most of Anthony's family lives in New York, yes?"

"Long Island to be specific. You don't think?"

"I do actually, it seems logical. He hasn't been in contact with most of his family in more than ten years, which is approximately when…Well, you know what happened. It seems that he's going back to the family he had before everything that happened to his more recent family."

Damn Ducky for being right. He didn't like it, not one bit. He wasn't really a fan of any of Tony's family. Fornell had informed him on more than one occasion that all of the DiNozzo business was not entirely legal and while the FBI couldn't pin anything on them everyone knew. No, Tony shouldn't be going back to them. Not unless he wanted the FBI on his ass.

"You think Palmer could manage on his own for a week or so Duck?"

"Well yes, Mr. Palmer is quite capable. Shall I pack a bag for New York?"

"I'll talk to Vance."

With that, Gibbs leaves Autopsy and goes back to the bullpen, McGee was still trying to salvage information from Tony's phone.

"Go home and pack your bag McGee. We're going to New York."


	10. He Has a Right to Know

AN: Wow, it's been a while, sorry for the long wait.

Disclaimer: I still own nothing.

(Tony)

He knew he wouldn't be able to stay cooped up in his hotel room long, as nice as a five star hotel was Tony just wasn't in the mood to be alone with his thoughts. Glancing at his watch he scowls when he sees that it's only 2:30, still way too early to be bar hopping if he still wanted to have a head tomorrow. Well, it was as good a time as any to get in touch with the family. He glances at the number he wrote down before he tossed his phone. Dominic DiNozzo was the closest thing Tony ever had to a brother, he hoped Dom still felt the same way or he'd be screwed considering his was the only phone number Tony had bothered to write down.

He dials the phone and waits. Three excruciatingly long rings later the call is answered.

"Anthony? What the fuck man! It's been years since anyone's heard from you!" Dom yells and Tony holds the phone a few inches away from his ear so he doesn't go deaf. His cousin's voice was an interesting mix of rage and exciting, hopefully the excitement would take prevalence and Dom wouldn't just hang up on him once he started talking.

"I know, I know, but I'm back in New York!" Tony says, he had been planning to go on but was quickly cut off.

"You're in the city! Are you fucking serious man? Where are you? I'll pick you up and we can go out just like old times." Dom says, definitely just excited now. With all that excitement Tony didn't have the heart to remind him that 'old times' was when they were both nineteen. And they had hardly spoken since. But, then again if he was being welcomed back that easily why not take the chance.

Tony grins as he tells Dom the name of the hotel and when to pick him up. Everything was going surprisingly well at this point and he just hoped nothing would come along and fuck it up, but really considering his luck lately that was a lot to ask.

He quickly says his goodbyes and starts getting ready to go out. He was glad he had brought at least some nice clothes because he had a feeling it was going to be a big night, although he made a note in the back of his mind to save his best suit for when he saw his family again. Anything to keep their minds of the questions.

(Gibbs)

Leroy Jethro Gibbs couldn't say he felt particularly bad about driving so fast that McGee had made him stop the car so he could go throw up. It was about damn time the probie got used to his driving. What he did feel bad about was the fact that every second McGee spent vomiting was another minute Tony was in the city doing god knows what with god knows who, He didn't particularly like that combination.

"Well, Jethro maybe you should drive a bit slower from now on" Ducky muses, as another minute passes while McGee throws up. The medical examiner had long since gotten accustomed to Gibbs' driving but he could certainly understand why it would make McGee carsick.

"Not a chance. We've got time to make up." Gibbs says with a small smirk. If anything he would only be driving faster after this.

Looking only slightly green McGee gets back in the car. The moment he shuts the door the car bolts forward once again, back into the lovely traffic that they'd surely be stuck in for at least an hour. And to think they were only an hour outside the city. If it wasn't for the traffic Gibbs could make the drive in half that.

McGee throws a panicked look at Ducky, who doesn't notice because he's far too busy rambling on about…Well, neither Gibbs nor McGee was sure what Ducky was talking about this time but they were both willing to let him go on with his story if it meant they didn't have to supply any responses.

"Jethro, didn't you hear me?" Ducky says in a slightly sharper tone, apparently his ramblings did occasionally need answers. Who would've thought?

"What Duck?"

"I said, Anthony has probably already made contact with his family by now. Assuming he drives only slightly slower than you he would've gotten into the city about two hours ago and I doubt he's going to just sit around and let us find him."

"Why would Tony be looking for his family?" McGee asks from the backseat.

Gibbs and Ducky exchange a look and then both shake their heads.

"Not important McGee" Gibbs says, having decided that McGee did not need to know about the circumstances under which they were operating." Turning to Ducky he says "Hopefully he hasn't, we don't need him getting into any more trouble."

"Any more trouble? Is Tony already in trouble?" McGee asks he didn't really enjoy being kept in the dark about all of this the whole time and he couldn't understand why he hadn't been told anything.

"No"

"Yes"

Gibbs and Ducky answer at the same time,

Ducky frowns at Gibbs and says "He has a right to know."

"Tony wouldn't want anyone to know" Gibbs shoots back.

"Sometimes what Anthony wants isn't good for him, you know that as well as I do"

Well, Gibbs had to admit Ducky had a point there. Still, that didn't mean that McGee should hear all of Tony's personal business or that Gibbs wanted to hear the whole night played over again.

"Just give him the short version Duck." Gibbs concedes, and he really hopes that Tony would forgive him for it,


End file.
